“When you are in pain, as long as you know there are people that truly care about you, and it makes them suffer just to know you are hurt, that little reassurance in the back of your mind is what keeps you going.”—
Instead of embellish my flaws and pretend to be something that I can never be, I decided to yell to the whole world how much I adore my flaws and am proud of them.
They are what makes me unique and true to the heart. My lover and best friends know that they don’t have to worry about seeing one person face to face while they might encounter a completely different “stranger” behind their backs. I am who I am, and my flaws, they are what set me apart from the “standardized” girls.
I am selfish, which is why me and Michael had agreed that anything that’s my favourite food, is off from his list of favourite. I am dependent on my friends and lover and family, which is why I tell them if I become “suspiciously nice” all the sudden, prepare to be asked for a favour very soon! I am manipulative, bossy, moody, but if you are not whom I consider to be the “closest ones to me”, don’t worry about see that side of me because I know it’s not fair of you to endure it if you haven’t experience my love and care for my dearest ones. I am sensitive, very sensitive. I always have an extra pair of eyes paying attention to the people’s mood which I am surrounded by. I know right away if something is not right with you since no one can have a pretend smiley face 24/7, and I will always go out of my way to use my own method to cheer you up or at least make the time when we are together, worry-free for you.
I don’t pretend to be perfect, and somehow I even amplify my flaws to my dearest ones as a warning of “this is what you are getting yourself into”. My best friend once said, I set up traps, lure them in, and when I finally reveal myself, they are all too attached and too involved to let go. Thus they decided to love my flaws, love what they are seeing and experiencing everyday, because I make them feel like they can see my heart, I am real.
Michael said, “you are perfect because I know exactly that you are not perfect, but your flaws are what make me love you even more!”
See, that’s why I’m sneaky :D When I make you adore even all my flaws, then I’m truly “flawless” in your eyes <3
I guess it’s a perfect day to write this one, since mom just left for China for 3 weeks today. I miss you guys. Look at us now, all 3 in 3 different places. It shouldn’t be like this.
Dad, I don’t know. After the talk with James yesterday, I guess maybe I shouldn’t be that harsh on you. I don’t know what you have sacrificed for me, and I also know how scary it is, for someone in their mid 40s to give up everything that they own and familiar with, and try to embrace something utterly strange and foreign. I know it must be hard, that’s why I don’t think I want to pressure you anymore.
However, I still do want to have a talk with you. Let you know the feelings I have towards our current situation. I want to let you know that just like you care so much for me and mom, I do the same too. And I hope that my words can ring a bell in your heart, and let you think more of the things through instead of getting a sudden wakeup call one day out of no where. I want you to be prepared.
Mom, what can I say? I’m grateful of having you disciplining me throughout my life. I basically grew up with your words, see this world with your eyes. People can’t distinguish our voices in the phone, remember? Lol. However, I know I need to learn to break free from this tie gradually. I need to have the courage to think that you can be wrong sometimes, and that my opinion is worth me sticking through it. You have the biggest impact in my life, and you shaped who I am today. But I would learn now, to take what’s valuable, and to leave what’s not. I can’t be too dependent on you, though it’s very hard not to be.
I remember when I was younger, I thought of the event of losing you one day since you always joke about it when you purchase insurance. I thought of if one day you are no longer with me, I would be lost. I wouldn’t be able to survive on my own, I think I will just be too broken to do so. See, even thinking about it now makes me tear up. I remember I told myself, I would go with you. I’m almost 20 now, and this thought is still unbearable. I can’t imagine how my world will be like and if I would be able to get through it.
You guys are both too important to me. That’s why for every 11:11 wishes, I would always wish for a healthy, long life for the both of you guys. I don’t ever want to lose this, our family. This is the bond that I know I can always rely on, always have, and always cherish.
I love you guys, and am grateful of born as your child.